


Nowhere Man

by Supadackles10



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF, The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Based on a Beatles Song, Drama, Inner Dialogue, J2, M/M, Romance, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:15:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27487141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supadackles10/pseuds/Supadackles10
Summary: Jensen is not coping well with the end of Supernatural. He is afraid of losing what he and Jared have, and his thoughts are all over the place.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 17
Kudos: 52





	Nowhere Man

**Author's Note:**

> I am listening too much Beatles and thinking about J2 and the end of the show. I don't usually write in English but this story was born and I had to write. Poor Jensen lol.  
> It's fiction, I have no idea what Jensen is thinking, my Jensen here connects his thoughts with Beatles songs, I have no idea why! It's just a short story with some inner dialogue.  
> No Beta, so bear with me!

He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his nowhere land,making all his nowhere plans for nobody. 

The long and winding road

Vancouver is over. I mean, what Vancouver represents to us, it’s over, isn’t? We don’t have any reason to come here anymore. I look through the window and see the ocean, vast, blue, unpredictable like our future without Vancouver. Without us? Maybe. I am scared, but I don’t want you to know. I don’t want to show. I don’t want to. I want us the way we were here in Van. Have been. Are? I don’t know.  
You are on the phone, talking to your kids. In a minute you are going to call me, to talk to them too. I love them, of course I do, they are yours, they are part of you. You are a great father. A great man. Now you are going to be more present to them, working in Austin. I am happy…for them. What about me? I know, I am being selfish. I also have my kids, and my wife. I love them, of course I do. I am happy, but… there is always a but, right? What I am going to do now? Without Vancouver? Without you?  
-Jackles! Come here! The kids want to talk to you!  
I go. I love them. They are sweet, intelligent, funny, smart. They are you in 3 different bodies. I’m not sure my kids are so much like me, I love them too much, they probably aren’t, like me, I mean. We talk for a while; I make them laugh. I make you laugh. God, I love your laugh. It’s magnificent. It’s bright, full of life. I want to make you laugh forever.  
-Now daddy must go, ok? Uncle Jensen and I have work to do.  
We have work to do. I think I will never be able to listen to this phrase again without thinking about them. The brothers. It hurts. Is it supposed to hurt this much? It’s just a job. Not it’s not.  
-Sure, I will tell JJ you said hi! After this quarantine, we can all play together again, ok?  
After the quarantine. After Supernatural. After Vancouver. Am I going to find the road the leads me to your door? Is this road going to disappear? Is this a song? I think it is.  
-Are you ok, Jen?  
Jen. It’s been a while since you called me Jen. You have another, with a G. But I am the original Jen. I love when you call me Jen. You look concerned. Why? Do I look sick or something?  
-You look sad.  
Did I say this out loud? I am sad. I am sorrowful. Dejected. Unhappy. But I don’t want you to know. I want you to laugh, and I know that if you think I am sad with everything you aren’t going to laugh.  
-I’m just tired.  
You look skeptical. You know me too well, like I know you. You are the only one who knows me. Nobody does. You kiss me, lightly on the lips. Sometimes you kiss me like this. What does it mean? It’s not like we have something other than friendship. This is what I tried to tell me years ago, after our first kiss. You kissed me that day, after the Stanley Park lunch. We never said anything about it. We kiss, so what? We also cuddle. And touch each other. You like to touch people. I like your touches. Innocent touches. Innocent kisses. It’s natural to us. It’s obvious.  
-Come to bed, then. Let’s take a nap.  
I go. I lay down on bed with you. You hug me. Today I am the little spoon. Sometimes you are. There are no rules for us. Not here, in Vancouver. But it’s over now, isn’t? The long and winding road. Definitely a song. 

In my life

I’ll never lose affection for people here from Vancouver. I’ll always think about them. I’ll never forget my friends, my co-workers. But (another but) it’s not fear of losing people that is making me ache. It’s fear of losing memories. Our memories. Is that possible? Is it possible to lose you? To lose us.?  
-I think he lost connection. It looks like his screen is frozen.  
I cannot stop thinking about losing you. I can lose some memories of things, of moments with other people. I met a lot of people. Some are dead and some are living. Some I loved, some I still do. But they are not you. My Sasquatch. My boy with the cute dimples and kaleidoscope eyes. My best friend. My lover? I don’t know.  
-I don’t know.  
-Oh, he is back! Ackles, you really need to change your wi-fi, man!  
I smile. My wi-fi? We are at the same house! But they cannot know. People cannot know that we are quarantining together. Why not? So what? Aren’t we friends? Only friends? My agent said something about separated images. Do I want that? Not to be the boys anymore? The boys. Oh, the irony!  
-Jensen is going to miss me the most, of course!  
How true is that, right? He has no idea how much I am going to miss him. Working with him every day. Living with him. We live together, even though we do have 2 apartments. People don’t know. They can’t. Separated bullshit.  
-I’ll miss you the most, how can’t I?  
Awkward. Uncomfortable silence. Nervous laugh. He knows. He understands. Of course he does. I should make a joke or something. But I can’t. I can’t. It hurts and I can’t.  
-Come on, Ackles, you are going to miss my flatulence!  
I laugh. He knows I am in pain and is trying to help. It works. The interviewer is a nice guy and he thinks that the flatulence joke is hilarious. We say our goodbyes. I wait. He is coming to the living room, where I am doing most of those goodbye interviews. No more interviews about Supernatural. About working with him. About living in Vancouver. What am I going to miss the most from living in Vancouver? I don’t know. Don’t I? I will miss him, the most.  
-What is it?  
-I’ll love you always.  
-I know.  
-I’ll miss you more.  
He looks at me, realization in his eyes. He gets it. He gets me. Does he feel the same? Maybe. I think he made peace with the end a long time ago. He wanted the end, even though I know that he loves, loved, working here. Loves the set. Loves the show. Loves Sam and Dean. Loves me? Loved?  
-Why will you miss me?  
Why not? How can’t I not miss him? Miss us? Maybe he doesn’t get it, after all.  
-It’s over, I mean, in a few weeks…  
-In a few weeks we will start new chapters in our lives. I am proud of us.  
He really does not get it.  
-I’ll start Walker, you have The Boys and your production company with Dee, and…  
And he stops talking. Something in my expression made him pause. He is looking at me, really looking. What can he see? Can he see that I couldn’t care less about the future right now? Can he see that these things lose their meaning when I think that I might lose him? The one that I love more.  
-Jen. You are not going to lose me! Is that it? You think that you will lose me, don’t you?  
I know I will, and I am not able to say it out loud. Pathetic.  
-You are not going to lose me, your idiot!  
He is looking at me. At my eyes. He is sure of it. Maybe…What if…Can I believe? Things are going to be quite different. He has a new life. New set. So do I, but I am not in love with my new job. I am happy, sure, is Kripke. But (one more!) I am not in love, it’s really just a job. A few months a year. Jared is already in love with his new show. His new baby. His new set.  
-We need to talk.  
Shit. 

Don’t let me down

We had a domestic. God, I sound like me gramma. I usually say this when I am having a beer that I made. Anyway, we had an argument. A fight. To be honest, he was the only one talking. He is right, we do need to talk. I don’t want to. Talk. I want a cigarette. Oh, some pot would be marvelous now. We don’t have any. Stupid. I forgot to buy, and we are quarentining. I will ask Cliff. Don’t judge. Pot is legal in some places. It is legal in Vancouver. Not in Texas though. Not in Austin. Where we are going to really live now. The whole year. With our families. I hate this. Hate it.  
-Do you remember the first time that we did it?  
He broke the silence. He always does. I’ll pretend that I don’t know what he is talking about, but I do. 2006. We were a bit drunk, not some much to be a problem, only enough to give us courage. I really didn’t need any. I wanted him. Beautiful boy. I was in love for the first time. I knew that it was going to last. Forever. It was new. A love with no past. We didn’t have sex that night. We never had full sex. Penetration. But we do have sex. At least I believe that what we do is sex. It is so much better this way. Is not messy. Don’t get me wrong, I like full on sex. With men and women. But with him is more about the touches. The kisses. His mouth. His hands. His whole body pressed against mine. It is about feeling how hot he is. How his breath changes and his heart beats when I kiss his chest. When I touch his cock. When I put it in my mouth. It is what we do, and it is enough and not enough but everything I want.  
-You really done me that night.  
He is smiling. I really done him that night. I was hungry for him. Feeling him for the first time. Having him. Making him mine forever. Nobody had him like I did. Nobody does have him. And now I am afraid. Please. Don’t let me down. Don’t change everything. Don’t forget me. I am still in love with you like it was the first time. Even after everything. Our marriages didn’t change that. Only we know about it. What it means. Don’t let me down, Jared.  
-Babe…don’t be afraid. I am here. I am yours! You done me good, babe. What we have is special, it is ours. You are mine, Jen. I am not going anywhere, but I know that you need time to process, we are different, we cope with things in a different way and in the end we are going to find a balance and deal with whatever happens.  
I look into his eyes and I know that it is true. I know that we are going to be ok, in a way. I am still scared, but I know that he is never going to let me down. 

Something

His is walking. And I am enchanted. He is just walking, minding his own business. And I can’t stop staring. We are back on set. I am pretending that it is not the last time. Maybe it isn’t. In a way. I don’t know. It is strange now; we cannot hug our friends. We cannot even see their faces. So, I am looking at him. It attracts me. The way he moves.  
-I am going to the trailer look at my phone, ok? Be right back!  
He winks at me. He knows that I am staring. Everybody here knows. Our friends. Our family in the set. They know that he is seducing me, and it is working. I feel like Juliet or something and he is my Romeu. Something in the way he woos me. It’s like a fairy tale or something. But I will never tell him this. He is going to make fun of me. Laugh his ass of. With his dimples in display. His beautiful teeth. The sound of his laugh makes my heart jump. Can hearts jump? Mine can. Like in those old cartoons when someone is in love. The end is making me more in love than ever. Fuck.  
-I am hungry! Do you have some sandwiches with you?  
He knows I have. I always get some, for him; he eats too much. I give him the sandwich. He smiles at me. His eyes smile. He knows that I don’t need another lover. That is why he is so confident that everything will be ok. I should know this too. I’m just so insecure. Is like his smile is a place, talking to me, and somewhere in his smile there are the answers for everything. Somewhere in his smile he knows that I don’t need anyone else like I need him. The way I need him. Am I being codependent like Dean is to Sam? I hope not. Maybe it’s too late for me though.  
-Jen, do you think it’s possible for our love to grow?  
-I don’t know.  
-Sometimes I think it is impossible to love someone more than I love you. I guess we need to stick together to see, right? The future may show us the answer.  
He kisses me. Lightly on the lips. And he smiles. I look at the place in his smile and I can see the answer. Our love will never stop growing. It expands. I know. And so does he. All I have to do is think of him.

**Author's Note:**

> Stream The Beatles!  
> songs: Nowhere Man; The long and winding road; Don't let me down; In my life; Something


End file.
